Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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What is a cat's favorite movie?

The sound of Mew-sic
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Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, then cross the road again?

He was a dirty double crosser!
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Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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A seal walks into a club...
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