Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.

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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.

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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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What did one egg say to the other egg?

Let's get crackin!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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