What is the world's longest punctuation mark?

The hundred yard dash.
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Where do mice park their boats?

At the hickory dickory dock.

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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday

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How many Klingons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and take all the credit.


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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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What's green and flies as fast as a speeding bullet?

Super Pickle!

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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