What kind of band can't play music?

A rubber band.
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What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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How many Yuppies (WASPs) does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call the electrician, and one to mix the drinks.
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.

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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.

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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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