What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood

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How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

"Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"

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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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Why is tennis such a loud game?

Because each player raises a racquet.
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken wasn't around yet.

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I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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