What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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What is the difference between a car and a bull?

A car only has one horn.
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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