A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?

Because he's Haydn.

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