My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What bone will a dog never eat?

A trombone.
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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

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How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Agnostics question whether electricity really exists.
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What do you give a lemon in distress?

Lemonade.
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What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.
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What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer
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The oddly pleasant feeling of looking down on a physist as they drink the last of their beer.

The strange charm of a top down bottoms up.
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How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
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