What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.

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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday

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Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

It wanted to see the mooooooon!

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How do you make an egg laugh?

Tell it a yolk.

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My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.

It was like love meant nothing to her.
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How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.

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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.

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What did the clock do after it ate?

It went back four seconds!
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