What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof

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How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
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Two girls were born on the same day, same year, same parents, except they are not twins. Explain:

They are triplets.
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