So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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Where would an astronaut park his space ship?

A parking meteor!
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Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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What is a shark's favorite sandwich?

Peanut butter and jellyfish.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Why do you think Civil Disobedience was such a fantastic essay?

Thoreau editing Thorough.
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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