What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?

Snow balls!
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g

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How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.

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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.

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Why don't honest people need beds?

They don't lie.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!

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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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What did the alien say when he was out of room?

I'm all spaced out!
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

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