Who earns a living by driving his customers away?

A taxi driver.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Who's richer — the butcher, the baker, or the candlestick maker?

The baker, because he has lots of dough.
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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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How do dinosaurs pay their bills?

With Tyrannosaurus checks.
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How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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