Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Because he wasn't peeling well!
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to change it and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
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What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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How do crows stick together in a flock?

Velcrow.
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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And how come her cell phone bill was so high?

She was a Roman (roamin) Catholic
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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