Why did the cat go to Minnesota?

To get a mini soda
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What goes under your feet and over your head?

A jump rope.
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What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you mommy?
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

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What did the sub-atmoic ducks say?

Quark!
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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