What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.
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Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?

A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.
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What kind of band can't play music?

A rubber band.
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