What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.
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When are kids most likely to go to school?

When the door is open.
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What kind of flower has lips?

Two-lips!
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof

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What has 6 eyes but can't see?

3 blind mice.
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