What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.

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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?

You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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How do they serve smart hamburgers?

On honor rolls.
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There were two cows in a paddock. One of the cows says, "moo"

and the other one says, "That's what I was going to say."
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