What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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What does the winner of the race lose?

His breath.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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