How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?

He took them to a pignic.
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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