A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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Why to lawyers wear neckties?

To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?

Hope it's Halloween!!
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they'd be alloys.
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.
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How many Mensans does it take to tell Mensa light bulb jokes?

Five. One to tell the joke and one to get it.
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When the attendant asked the photon if it had any bags to check

It said Nah, I'm traveling light.
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