A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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What kind of cat should you never play games with?

A cheetah
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends on what you want to change it into.
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What do you call a young army?

Infantry.
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.
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