A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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What kind of fish is made out of 2 sodium atoms?

2 Na
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What do fish take to stay healthy?

Vitamin sea.
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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.
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