A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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How do you make a rock float?

Put it in a glass with some ice cream and root beer.
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess
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