A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'.

So I went - and I got it.
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?

Because Mercury moved in.
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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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How do you handle dangerous cheese?

Caerphilly.
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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