A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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Were does a boat go when it is sick?

To the dock.
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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Why did the drum take a nap?

It was beat.
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What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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How many radical feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

That isn't funny!
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