A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
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Why did the tree get a computer?

To log on.
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How many Yuppies (WASPs) does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call the electrician, and one to mix the drinks.
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How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke...

In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb.

If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb.

Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.

Bibliography:

[1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, Re: YALBJ, 1986
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.
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What did one wall say to the other?

I'll meet you at the corner.
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