A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.

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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've got you covered!
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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over

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What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

Ice cream.
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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