A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?

None: A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.
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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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Where do orcas hear music?

Orca-stras
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Why is Superman's costume so tight?

Because he wears a size "S".
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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What is a tree's favorite drink?

Root beer.
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