A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer

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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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What's a frog's favorite drink?

Croak-a-cola.
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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How do you keep a skunk from smelling?

Plug its nose.
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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?

Saliva
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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