A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.
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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?

Meat and Democrats!
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day

but I couldn't find any.

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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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