A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What do you call snake with no clothes on?

Snaked.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!
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What kind of balls do dragons play soccer with?

Fireballs.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness® as the industry standard.
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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