A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
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What does the winner of the race lose?

His breath.
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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What do you call a story about a broken pencil?

Pointless
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Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

He got Avogadro's number!
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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