A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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What kind of cat should you never play games with?

A cheetah
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb and three to whine "It's too high"
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Why is the French horn the most divine instrument?

Man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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