A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What school do you have to drop out of to graduate from?

Parachute school!
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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe
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How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken wasn't around yet.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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