A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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Why do cows go to New York?

To see the moosicals
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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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What's round and bad-tempered?

A vicious circle.
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Why do cows go to New York?

To see the moosicals
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In what school do you learn how to greet people?

Hi school.
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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