A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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Why does everybody like Frosty the Snowman?

Because he is so cool!
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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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Were does a boat go when it is sick?

To the dock.
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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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