A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!
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Why is Superman's costume so tight?

Because he wears a size "S".
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What do you get when you plant a frog?

A cr-oak tree.
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken wasn't around yet.
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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