A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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How do you make a million dollars singing jazz?

Start with two million.

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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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Why does cheese look sane?

Because everything else on the plate is crackers.
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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.
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How do you catch a tame bird?

The tame way, unique up on it!
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear
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