A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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Why was the baseball game so hot?

Because all the fans left!
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What is a ghost's favorite pie?

Booberry pie!
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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Why is b always cool?

Because it's between ac.
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Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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How are doughnuts and golf alike?

They both have a hole in one!
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