A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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"Dyslexic man walks into a bra"
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Why don't honest people need beds?

They don't lie.
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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