A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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How many polite New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Both of them.
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There never was any light bulb.

Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
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Why did the belt go to jail?

It held up a pair of pants.
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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