A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What does a skeleton say before dinner?

Bone appetit!
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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Why did the girl throw the butter out the window?

She wanted to see a butterfly.
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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