A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
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What does new age music sound like played backwards?

New age music.

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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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Why does Trump love the poorly educated?

Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".
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