A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What did the clock do after it ate?

It went back four seconds!
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Humpty Trumpty wants a great wall.

Humpty Trumpty wants Mexico to pay for it all.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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How Many lead guitarist does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just steal somebody else's light.
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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