A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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Whats Donald Trump's favorite nation?

Discrimination.
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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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What do you call a king who is only 12 inches tall?

A ruler.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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What is a tree's favorite drink?

Root beer.
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