A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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What do aliens on the metric system say?

Take me to your liter.
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Why are there fences around a graveyard?

Because people are dying to get in!
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How do you make a fire with two sticks?

Make sure one is a match!
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What does Melania see in Donald Trump?

"Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!"
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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What kind of dessert does a ghost like?

I scream!
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