A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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Why do cows go to New York?

To see the moosicals
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why did Bach have so many children?

He did not have a stop on his organ.

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What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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What is black and white and red all over?

A skunk with a rash.
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What is black ,white and red all over?

A sunburnt penguin
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