A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo Drizzle!

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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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And the mermaid, that was weird. What was she wearing in math class?

An Algae-bra
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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Some people believe that becoming a vegitarian is just a mistake...

A Missed-steak.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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