A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Take your foot off his head.
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but she/he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
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What's round and bad-tempered?

A vicious circle.
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Clowns divorce:

custardy battle.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What did one hair say to the other?

It takes two to tangle!
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