A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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What goes up and down but never moves?

Stairs.
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What breakfast cereal does Frosty the Snowman eat?

Snowflakes.
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What is up in the air and wobbles?

A jellycopter
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How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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Why did the cow go to outer space?

To visit the milky way.
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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