A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?

Sir.
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?

A Doberman.
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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How many members of the United Church of Canada does it take to change a light bulb?

How dare you be so intolerant! So what if the light bulb has chosen an alternative light-style?
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