A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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How many PA' does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What's a light bulb?
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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What kind of balls do dragons play soccer with?

Fireballs.
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Why do cows go to New York?

To see the moosicals
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