A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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Why did the boy take a ladder to school?

He wanted to go to high school!
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What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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What do you call a parrot that flew away?

A polygon
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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What happened when the monster ate the electric company?

He was in shock for a week.
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller",

he said "Not you again".

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