A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?

He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it

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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?

One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
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What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
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What does GOP stand for?

Grabs Our Pussy.
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Why did Mickey Mouse get whacked in the head?

coz Donald ducked
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How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?

None; the Bible doesn't mention any light bulbs.
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What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!
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Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

To practice.
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