A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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How many referral agents does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?

Because there was no atmosphere.
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