A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
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