A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What is up in the air and wobbles?

A jellycopter
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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