A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes six visits.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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