A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

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Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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What did one egg say to the other egg?

Let's get crackin!
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What do camels use to hide themselves?

Camelflauge
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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