A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why did the melon jump into the lake?

It wanted to be a watermelon.
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What do you call a wheel made of iron?

A ferrous wheel.
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What kind of dessert does a ghost like?

I scream!
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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.
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Why did they kick cinderella off the baseball team?

She kept running away from the ball.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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