A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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Whats the difference between Terrorists and Accordion players?

Terrorists have sympathizers

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What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?

Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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