A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?

Because there was no atmosphere.
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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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Were does a boat go when it is sick?

To the dock.
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Where would an astronaut park his space ship?

A parking meteor!
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken wasn't around yet.
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How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen on the guest list.
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