A seal walks into a club...
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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How do you handle dangerous cheese?

Caerphilly.
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What did one egg say to the other egg?

You crack me up!
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Why did the bird get a ticket?

It broke the law of gravity!
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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How many sheep do you need to make a sweater?

I don't know. I didn't think sheep could knit
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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