A seal walks into a club...
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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Where do sheep get their hair cut?

At the baa-baa shop.
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How many sheep do you need to make a sweater?

I don't know. I didn't think sheep could knit
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What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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