A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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Where do mice park their boats?

At the hickory dickory dock.

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What is King Arthur's favorite fish?

A swordfish

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What kind of potato chips fly?

Plane ones.

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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

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What did one magnet say to the other?

I find you very attractive.

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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.

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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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