A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?

It's time to go to sweep.
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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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