Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked.

'It's not unusual' he replied.

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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What did rural America tell Donald Trump?

You're Hired.
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Why did the drum take a nap?

It was beat.
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I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
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What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?

Sir.
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What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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