Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest record?

"Feel the World."
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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Did you know that oxygen went for a second date with potassium?
How did it go?

It went OK2!
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?

It's time to go to sweep.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
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