Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.
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Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

He got Avogadro's number!
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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What has one horn and gives milk?

A milk truck.
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Two girls were born on the same day, same year, same parents, except they are not twins. Explain:

They are triplets.
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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What does Melania see in Donald Trump?

"Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!"
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