Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Why did the spy stay in bed?

Because he was under cover.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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What is a tree's favorite drink?

Root beer.
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