Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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