Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

It went OK.
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.
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What do a baker and a millionaire have in common?

They are both rolling in the dough!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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