Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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Humpty Trumpty wants a great wall.

Humpty Trumpty wants Mexico to pay for it all.
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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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