Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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What is the chemical formula for "banana"?

BaNa2
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
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