Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do you call a story about a broken pencil?

Pointless
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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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