Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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Which candles burn longer, bee's wax or tallow?

Neither, they all burn shorter.
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Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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If H20 is water, what is H204?

Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.
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