Do you know what the Queen's father was called?

King.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

From chasing parked ambulances.
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What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What did the alien say when he was out of room?

I'm all spaced out!
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What is King Arthur's favorite fish?

A swordfish
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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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