Do you know what the Queen's father was called?

King.
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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Where does the snowman hide his money?

In the snow bank.
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How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a software problem.
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

Ice cream.
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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