Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?

Pay him for the pizza

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What do lawyers wear in court?

Lawsuits.
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What is a ghost's favorite pie?

Booberry pie!
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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Why to lawyers wear neckties?

To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
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