Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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I stayed up all night because I wanted to see where the sun went,

and then it dawned on me.
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken wasn't around yet.
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Why was the baseball game so hot?

Because all the fans left!
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How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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Why are the middle ages sometimes called the Dark Ages?

Because they had so many knights.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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