Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Why did the surfer think the sea was his friend?

Because it gave him a big wave!
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What does GOP stand for?

Grabs Our Pussy.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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