"Dyslexic man walks into a bra"
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What do you get when you plant a frog?

A cr-oak tree.
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

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What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?

An envelope.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, then cross the road again?

He was a dirty double crosser!
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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow
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What does a skeleton say before dinner?

Bone appetit!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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