El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

The fish.
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What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?

Not enough cement.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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