El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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How many UFO buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. You don't believe me do you? I've got photos! See that big blob? Well, just squint your eyes a bit. . . .
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What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?

One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
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There were two cows in a paddock. One of the cows says, "moo"

and the other one says, "That's what I was going to say."
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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In what school do you learn how to greet people?

Hi school.
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