H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to take notes while the other screws it into the faucet.
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What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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How do they serve smart hamburgers?

On honor rolls.
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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