H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument?

A Moo-sician!

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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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Why was the baseball game so hot?

Because all the fans left!
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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When the attendant asked the photon if it had any bags to check

It said Nah, I'm traveling light.
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