Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Take your foot off his head.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow
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How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

``Oh wow, is it like dark, man?''
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What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?

Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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