Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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Went to the corner shop -

bought 4 corners.

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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.
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