How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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What bone will a dog never eat?

A trombone.
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Why did the cat go to Minnesota?

To get a mini soda
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How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb

None, sound engineers don't do lights
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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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How many sheep do you need to make a sweater?

I don't know. I didn't think sheep could knit
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