How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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What do you call a clown who's in jail?

A silicon.
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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!
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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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