How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.
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What's green and loud?

A froghorn.
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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Which reindeer likes to clean?

Comet
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Who makes the best cake on a baseball team?

The batter.
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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