How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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Why did the chicken cross the clothing store?

To get to the other size!
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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Why is the French horn the most divine instrument?

Man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out

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Why did the cookie go to the Doctor?

Because he was feeling crumby.
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Why didn't the girl take the bus home?

Because her mom would make her take it back.
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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How many [ethnics] does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Ten. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
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