How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?

Stop! You're under a vest.
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?

Snow balls!
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What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.
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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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What do you call a calf after it's six months old?

Seven months old.
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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