How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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Why did the strawberry call 911?

It was in a jam!
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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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How do chickens get strong?

Egg-cersize.
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?

Because there was no atmosphere.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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