How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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Why to lawyers wear neckties?

To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
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How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?

A phew.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.
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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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What is a tree's favorite drink?

Root beer.
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