How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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What kind of band can't play music?

A rubber band.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Sleep somewhere else.
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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