How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

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Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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Where does a polarbear keep its money?

In a snow bank!
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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken wasn't around yet.
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What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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