How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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Why did the poultry farmer become a school teacher?

So he could grade his eggs.
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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Where do horses live?

In the neigh-borhood.
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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What do frogs order when they go to a restaurant?

French Flies.
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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