How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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What kind of table has no legs.

A multiplication table.
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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 ate 9.
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.
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How many UFO buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. You don't believe me do you? I've got photos! See that big blob? Well, just squint your eyes a bit. . . .
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow
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What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.
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