How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.
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What does the toast wear to bed?

Jammies!
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What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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What is the difference between a car and a bull?

A car only has one horn.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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