How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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Why did the skeleton cross the road?

To get to the body shop.
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity any more.
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What does one bucket say to the other?

I am feeling pale today.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What washes up on small beaches?

Microwaves.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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