How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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What washes up on small beaches?

Microwaves.
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What is always hot in the refrigerator?

Chili
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Why did the boy take a ladder to school?

He wanted to go to high school!
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What do you call snake with no clothes on?

Snaked.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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