How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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Where does a ten ton elephant sit?

Anywhere it wants to
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What does a calf become after it's 1 year old?

2 years old.

Cow: "Mooooove over"
Sheep: "Naaaaaaa."
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How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A tree in a golden forest.
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo Drizzle!

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
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Where do horses live?

In the neigh-borhood.
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