How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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What makes music on your hair?

A head band!

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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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What did one hair say to the other?

It takes two to tangle!
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What's black and white, black and white, black and white and green?

Three skunks fighting over a pickle

First dog: My master calls me Furball. How about you?
Second Dog: My master calls me Sitboy
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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