How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?

Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.
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How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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