How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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What kind of driver has no arms or legs?

A screwdriver.
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What do you see when you look into Trump's eyes?

Answer: The back of his head.
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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Which is the most religious cheese?

Emmental...it's very hol(e)y...
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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