How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do you call a lawyer gone bad.

Senator.
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What do you get when you cross a Cocker Spaniel,
a Poodle and a ghost?

A cocker poodle boo.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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Why is the French horn the most divine instrument?

Man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out

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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.
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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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