How are elephants and trees alike?

They both have trunks
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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How do you make a hot dog stand?

Steal its chair.
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Do you know what the Queen's father was called?

King.
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What is a cat's favorite movie?

The sound of Mew-sic
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Why does Trump love the poorly educated?

Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".
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How do you cut a wave in half?

Use a sea saw.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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