How are elephants and trees alike?

They both have trunks
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Why did the bird get a ticket?

It broke the law of gravity!
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller",

he said "Not you again".

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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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Why did the melon jump into the lake?

It wanted to be a watermelon.
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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