How are elephants and trees alike?

They both have trunks
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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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What can you put in a barrel to make it lighter?

Holes.
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What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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Why can't you say a joke while standing on ice?

Because it might crack up!
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Interesting story, the guy who helped me learn algebra never farted around anyone.

I mean he did say he was a private tutor.
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