How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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What has a head but no body?

A nail.
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

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