How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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When are kids most likely to go to school?

When the door is open.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have any guts!
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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How do you keep a skunk from smelling?

Plug its nose.
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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