How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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What is an astronauts favorite key on the keyboard?

The space bar!
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What did the alien say to the cat?

Take me to your litter.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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