How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer

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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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I have a friend who is a Limo driver . But he has had no clients for two years.

So he has nothing to chauffeur it !
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What`s black & white & red all over?

An embarrased mime!
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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