How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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What kind of driver has no arms or legs?

A screwdriver.
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What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef.
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile
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How do you make a hot dog stand?

Steal its chair.
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