How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a software problem.
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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What has a head but no body?

A nail.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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What has a bed that you can't sleep in?

A river.
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