How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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Why did the tree get a computer?

To log on.
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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What do Donald Trump and a baby have in common?

They both whine alot!
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