How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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Did you know that you can cool yourself to -273.15 Degrees C

and still be 0k?
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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung.

The guardians of the galaxy!
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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A Bhuddist monk goes to a hotdog stand

and says make me one with everything.
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What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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