How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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Why did the baseball player bring a rope to the game?

Because he wanted to tie the score!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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When are kids most likely to go to school?

When the door is open.
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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Why does Trump love the poorly educated?

Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".
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What do you call a parrot that flew away?

A polygon
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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