How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb

Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
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A pair of eyebrows walked into a shop. The assistant asked, "Can I help you?"

The eyebrows replied, "no, we are just browsing"
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What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo?

A Broncosaurus or a Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What does the winner of the race lose?

His breath.
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