How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to change it and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
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