How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips are moving.
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Which is the most religious cheese?

Emmental...it's very hol(e)y...
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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What is worse then having one baby screaming?

Two babies screaming!
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How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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How do you cut a wave in half?

Use a sea saw.
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.
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What kind of band can't play music?

A rubber band.
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