How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips are moving.
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How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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What do you call a clown who's in jail?

A silicon.
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a software problem.
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo?

A Broncosaurus or a Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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