How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips are moving.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

All of them.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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What do you call a cold dog sitting on a bunny?

A chili dog on a bun.
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What did one titration say to the other?

"Let's meet at the endpoint."
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