How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken wasn't around yet.
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How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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