How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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Whats Donald Trump's favorite nation?

Discrimination.
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