How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo Drizzle!

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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean
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How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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When can't you see a cheese?

When it's pasteurised...
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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