How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.

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How do they serve smart hamburgers?

On honor rolls.
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.

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What do planets like to read?

Comet books!

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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

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