How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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Why did the singer climb a ladder?

She wanted to reach the high notes!

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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo Drizzle!

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What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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Trump: "It's not a toupee,

I just found the Bush that Jeb lost."
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?

Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
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