How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?

Three:

One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and

one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
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What do you get when you plant a frog?

A cr-oak tree.
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What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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