How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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