How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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What was the farmer doing on the other side of the road?

He was catching all the chickens!
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they're boring.
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What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.
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