How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?

One molar solution.
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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.
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What do you give a lemon in distress?

Lemonade.
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What does Melania see in Donald Trump?

"Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!"
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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