How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.
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Where do soldiers keep their armies?

In their Sleevies!
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Who's richer — the butcher, the baker, or the candlestick maker?

The baker, because he has lots of dough.
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What's a royal pardon?

It's what the queen says after she burps.
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.
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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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