How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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What do you see when you look into Trump's eyes?

Answer: The back of his head.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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