How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, then cross the road again?

He was a dirty double crosser!
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What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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Where do mice park their boats?

At the hickory dickory dock.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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