How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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What has one horn and gives milk?

A milk truck.
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How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There's a primitive for that.
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly?

Hair Force One!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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