How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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Why did the computer squeak?

Someone stepped on its mouse.
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What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?

Skeet.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips are moving.
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What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo?

A Broncosaurus or a Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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