How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.
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A man goes to a zoo and discovers there is only one animal and it's a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu
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What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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