How did the egg cross the road?

It scrambled across!
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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Where do mice park their boats?

At the hickory dickory dock.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Who earns a living by driving his customers away?

A taxi driver.
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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