How did the egg cross the road?

It scrambled across!
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If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?

H2O cubed.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

A pair of Re-Bachs.

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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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Know how copper wire was invented?

Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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What has four legs, a trunk, and sunglasses?

A mouse on vacation.
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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