How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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Where does the snowman hide his money?

In the snow bank.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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Why does Trump love the poorly educated?

Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".
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What did the laywer name his daughter?

Sue.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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