How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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How did the egg cross the road?

It scrambled across!
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How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What kind of answer did you have in mind?
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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What did one magnet say to the other?

I find you very attractive.
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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