How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon!
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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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