How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
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When are kids most likely to go to school?

When the door is open.
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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What did one titration say to the other?

"Let's meet at the endpoint."
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