How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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What happened when the monster ate the electric company?

He was in shock for a week.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.

A': None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?

I don't know. There are some things even a blonde won't do.
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