How do dinosaurs pay their bills?

With Tyrannosaurus checks.

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How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.

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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.

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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.

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What's a light-year?

The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
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What do you see when you look into Trump's eyes?

Answer: The back of his head.
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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.


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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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