How do Eskimos make their beds?

With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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What is a boxer's favorite drink?

Punch.
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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Humpty Trumpty wants a great wall.

Humpty Trumpty wants Mexico to pay for it all.
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