How do Eskimos make their beds?

With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
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What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

There are footprints in the butter.
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What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.
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What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they're boring.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?

Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel.
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What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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