How do Eskimos make their beds?

With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
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How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

"Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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Why are there fences around a graveyard?

Because people are dying to get in!
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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How many referral agents does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
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What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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