How do hair stylists speed up their job?

They take short cuts!
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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Why did the girl throw the butter out the window?

She wanted to see a butterfly.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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