How do hair stylists speed up their job?

They take short cuts!
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

Six: two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
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Why did the drum take a nap?

It was beat.
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Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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Which reindeer likes to clean?

Comet
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How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.
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Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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