How do hair stylists speed up their job?

They take short cuts!
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Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness® as the industry standard.
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You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes,

he's a catholic converter.


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How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof

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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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