How do hair stylists speed up their job?

They take short cuts!
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?

If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What did the clock do after it ate?

It went back four seconds!
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Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?

Because Mercury moved in.
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What do you get when you cross a Cocker Spaniel,
a Poodle and a ghost?

A cocker poodle boo.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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