How do hair stylists speed up their job?

They take short cuts!
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

A pair of Re-Bachs.

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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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I'll call you later.

Don't call me later, call me Dad.
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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Why did the computer squeak?

Someone stepped on its mouse.
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