How do hair stylists speed up their job?

They take short cuts!
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How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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What do you call a cheese factory in the Middle East?

Cheeses of Nazareth.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb

None, sound engineers don't do lights
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How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?

Three - one to cast the bulb into the outer darkness, and two to catch it when it falls.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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