How do hair stylists speed up their job?

They take short cuts!
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What kind of band can't play music?

A rubber band.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

``Oh wow, is it like dark, man?''
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?

She ran away from the ball.
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