How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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What does Melania see in Donald Trump?

"Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!"
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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What is a cat's favorite movie?

The sound of Mew-sic
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Why did they kick cinderella off the baseball team?

She kept running away from the ball.
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Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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