How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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Trump: "It's not a toupee,

I just found the Bush that Jeb lost."
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Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

It wanted to see the mooooooon!
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What kind of potato chips fly?

Plane ones.
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What do you call a musician with a college degree?

Night manager at McDonalds

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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

There are footprints in the butter.
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Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball?

Because he had no BODY to go with.
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