How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Sleep somewhere else.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?

He was looking for Pluto.
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 ate 9.
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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