How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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What do you call a snowman in the desert?

A puddle!
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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What's black and white, black and white, black and white and green?

Three skunks fighting over a pickle

First dog: My master calls me Furball. How about you?
Second Dog: My master calls me Sitboy
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Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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