How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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Why to lawyers wear neckties?

To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
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