How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people.
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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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What two things can you not have for breakfast?

Lunch and dinner.
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