How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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What did the clock do after it ate?

It went back four seconds!
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?

Three:

One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and

one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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A man goes to a zoo and discovers there is only one animal and it's a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu
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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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Trump: "It's not a toupee,

I just found the Bush that Jeb lost."
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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