How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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Why is Superman's costume so tight?

Because he wears a size "S".
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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Where do you learn to make banana splits?

In sundae school.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A blushing zebra.
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Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

It went OK.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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