How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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Why did the cow go to outer space?

To visit the milky way.
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.
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