How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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What has ears like a cat and a tail like a cat, but is not a cat?

A kitten.
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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe
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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.
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