How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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How do you handle dangerous cheese?

Caerphilly.
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What's a frog's favorite drink?

Croak-a-cola.

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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky

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What did the ceiling say to the chandelier?

You're the only bright spot in my life.
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

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How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

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