How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What did one elevator say to the other?

I think I'm coming down with something!
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How do you make a million dollars singing jazz?

Start with two million.

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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one more, guys, I promise.
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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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What is "HIJKLMNO"?

H2O.
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