How do they serve smart hamburgers?

On honor rolls.
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Why does cheese look sane?

Because everything else on the plate is crackers.
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday

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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed

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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth

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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?

Pay him for the pizza

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