How do they serve smart hamburgers?

On honor rolls.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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How many Cabbage Patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?

The question is irrelevant, since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many. (Note: Well, this was a good joke in 1983-84. . . .)
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Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?

New Jersey got to pick first.
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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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How many Bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb??

What's a light bulb?
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What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.
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What robs you while you're in the bathtub?

A robber ducky.
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