How do they serve smart hamburgers?

On honor rolls.
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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand
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Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?

You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

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