How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
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How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.
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Why does cheese look sane?

Because everything else on the plate is crackers.
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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