How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.
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How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb

Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
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What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

Glass flippers.
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How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?

None; the Bible doesn't mention any light bulbs.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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