How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people.
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The new band called 1023MB.

They haven't had any gigs yet
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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