How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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How many Bratzlaver Hasidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find a bulb that burns as brightly as the old one.
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Why was the math book sad?

It had too many problems.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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