How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon!
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