How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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How many [ethnics] does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Ten. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

From chasing parked ambulances.
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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