How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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What letter can you drink?

T (tea)
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What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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