How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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What's black and white and red all over?

A blushing zebra.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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What do you call a cold dog sitting on a bunny?

A chili dog on a bun.
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Why didn't the girl take the bus home?

Because her mom would make her take it back.
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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board
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