How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut

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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.

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What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.

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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.

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How many polite New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Both of them.

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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.

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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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