How do you catch a tame bird?

The tame way, unique up on it!
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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Why do cows go to New York?

To see the moosicals
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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?

An envelope.
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