How do you catch a tame bird?

The tame way, unique up on it!
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Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd?

From 2nd to 3rd because there's a shortstop in the middle.
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What did the alien say to the cat?

Take me to your litter.
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How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

"Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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I'll call you later.

Don't call me later, call me Dad.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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