How do you catch a tame bird?

The tame way, unique up on it!

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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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What washes up on small beaches?

Microwaves.

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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.

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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang

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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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