How do you catch a tame bird?

The tame way, unique up on it!
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What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom
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How many supporters of George W. Bush does it take to change a light bulb?

None. First, denounce the nearest Democrats as liberal pantywaists who deliberately caused the bulb to blow. Second, announce that the Bush administration has proved that the science of electricity is faulty, so no action ever needs to be taken on global light change. Third, keep the need for a new light bulb strictly secret. Fourth, use the money for new light bulbs as an excuse for another tax cut for Bush's wealthy friends. Fifth, explain that you would never "disassemble" about the need for light, you are way too busy spreading freedom and democracy in the Middle East by eliminating freedom and democracy in the United States.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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Why does everybody like Frosty the Snowman?

Because he is so cool!
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What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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How many college girls does it take to change a light bulb?

That's "women," you unfunny jerk!
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Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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