How do you catch a tame bird?

The tame way, unique up on it!
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What do basketball players and babies have in common?

They both dribble.
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What does Melania see in Donald Trump?

"Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!"
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well,

I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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