How do you catch a tame bird?

The tame way, unique up on it!
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If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?

H2O cubed.
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Know how copper wire was invented?

Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?

A natural major.
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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