How do you catch a tame bird?

The tame way, unique up on it!
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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How do you make a band stand?

Take their chairs away!
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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Why was the ant so confused?

Because all his uncles were "ants"!
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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