How do you fix a broken brass instrument?

With a Tuba glue.

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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but she/he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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