How do you fix a broken Tuba.

With a tuba glue.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him/her.
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
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Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

From chasing parked ambulances.
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What is a cat's favorite movie?

The sound of Mew-sic
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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