How do you fix a broken Tuba.

With a tuba glue.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What happened when 500 hares got loose on Main Street?

The police had to comb the area.
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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What do you call a song sung in an automobile?

A cartoon.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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