How do you fix a broken Tuba.

With a tuba glue.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,

proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people.
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken wasn't around yet.
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What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?

Anything you like, he can't hear you.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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