How do you fix a broken Tuba.

With a tuba glue.
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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I stayed up all night because I wanted to see where the sun went,

and then it dawned on me.
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How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a software problem.
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What has four legs and goes "Oom, Oom"?

A cow walking backwards
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Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me
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Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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