How do you fix a broken Tuba.

With a tuba glue.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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Why did the man take a pencil to bed?

Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?

Stop! You're under a vest.
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How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
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Which is the most religious cheese?

Emmental...it's very hol(e)y...
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