How do you fix a broken Tuba.

With a tuba glue.
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?

A woolen jumper
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How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
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How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
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How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?

Pay him for the pizza

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What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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