How do you fix a broken Tuba.

With a tuba glue.
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?

A woolen jumper
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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