How do you fix a broken Tuba.

With a tuba glue.
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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What did the alien say when he was out of room?

I'm all spaced out!
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken wasn't around yet.
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How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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