How do you fix a broken Tuba.

With a tuba glue.
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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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Name four men that are in a rock group together but none of them sing nor play music...

Mt Rushmore. They're a rock group.. it's a rock...group
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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What did the ceiling say to the chandelier?

You're the only bright spot in my life.
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I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'.

So I went - and I got it.
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How many UFO buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. You don't believe me do you? I've got photos! See that big blob? Well, just squint your eyes a bit. . . .
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How many polite New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Both of them.
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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!
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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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