How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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Why would Snow White make a great judge?

She was the fairest in the land.
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.
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What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

Bison
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer
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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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