How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A whole synod. One to move that the bulb be changed while the others debate until the room spins.
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What do you get when you plant a frog?

A cr-oak tree.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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Why did the skeleton cross the road?

To get to the body shop.
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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