How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?

Silverware.
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What do you call a crate of ducks?

A box of quackers.
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Why did the sun go to school?

To get brighter!
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe
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I stayed up all night because I wanted to see where the sun went,

and then it dawned on me.
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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