How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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How many lawyer jokes are there?

Only three. The rest are true stories.
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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Why don't mountains get cold in the winter?

They wear snowcaps.
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet

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How many [ethnics] does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Ten. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.

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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

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How do you make a rock float?

Put it in a glass with some ice cream and root beer.
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