How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

It went OK.
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I'm sorry we can't let the elephants back into the public pool.

They keep dropping their trunks.
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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
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What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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