How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?

Holly Davidson.
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen on the guest list.
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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What does cheese say to itself in the mirror?

Halloumi.
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Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

To practice.
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What is the chemical formula for "coffee"?

CoFe2
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