How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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What has holes all over and holds water?

A sponge!
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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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How do you make a fire with two sticks?

Make sure one is a match!
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How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.
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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean
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What's a light-year?

The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
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Where do all the letters sleep?

In the alphabed.
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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