How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

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How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?

None; the Bible doesn't mention any light bulbs.
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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What kind of pants do ghosts wear?

Boo-Jeans.
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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