How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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Where did the sheep go on vacation?

The baaaahamas
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What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?

A try and try and try-ceratops
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What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.
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How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?

Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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