How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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How did the egg cross the road?

It scrambled across!
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A whole synod. One to move that the bulb be changed while the others debate until the room spins.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What can you put in a barrel to make it lighter?

Holes.
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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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What does Melania see in Donald Trump?

"Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!"
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