How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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How do Vikings send secret messages?

Norse code.
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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.
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There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?

None, because they were copycats
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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Which reindeer likes to clean?

Comet
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