How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Take your foot off his head.
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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

Bison
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Any changes will have to be implemented in software.
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What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?

Get out of my sun!
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