How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?

A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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What kind of driver has no arms or legs?

A screwdriver.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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Where did the sheep go on vacation?

The baaaahamas
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Why was the math book sad?

It had too many problems.
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Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball?

Because he had no BODY to go with.
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How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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