How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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Whats the difference between Terrorists and Accordion players?

Terrorists have sympathizers

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How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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Anyone know any jokes about sodium?

Na
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Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
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What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.
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