How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.

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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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Why does cheese look sane?

Because everything else on the plate is crackers.
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What is a tree's favorite drink?

Root beer.

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Know how copper wire was invented?

Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
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How are doughnuts and golf alike?

They both have a hole in one!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite

He said NaBrO
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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