How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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What's a royal pardon?

It's what the queen says after she burps.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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How do you make a hot dog stand?

Steal its chair.
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What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?

Sir.
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There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?

None, because they were copycats
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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What does a cat call a hummingbird?

Fast food.
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