How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"


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How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.

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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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Why did a boy thow a clock out the window?

To see time fly.
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What did the light bulb say to its mother?

I wuv you watts and watts.
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split

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