How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!

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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people.
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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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What room can you not go into?

A mushroom!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos

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Were does a boat go when it is sick?

To the dock.
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