How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.
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If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?

Wet.
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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What is Donald Trumps favorite song?

ICE ICE Baby......
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What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller",

he said "Not you again".

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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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Which is the most religious cheese?

Emmental...it's very hol(e)y...
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