How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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Why does a stork stand on one leg?

Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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Why are the middle ages sometimes called the Dark Ages?

Because they had so many knights.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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I’ve never gone to a gun range before.

I decided to give it a shot!
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