How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There's a primitive for that.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day

but I couldn't find any.

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How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
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What bone will a dog never eat?

A trombone.
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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