How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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When did the fly fly?

When the spider spied her!
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What did Delaware?

A New Jersey.
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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What bone will a dog never eat?

A trombone.
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How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?

Pay him for the pizza

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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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