How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A tattoo.

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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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Why to lawyers wear neckties?

To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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What kind of flower has lips?

Two-lips!
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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