How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

It wanted to see the mooooooon!
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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How many supporters of George W. Bush does it take to change a light bulb?

None. First, denounce the nearest Democrats as liberal pantywaists who deliberately caused the bulb to blow. Second, announce that the Bush administration has proved that the science of electricity is faulty, so no action ever needs to be taken on global light change. Third, keep the need for a new light bulb strictly secret. Fourth, use the money for new light bulbs as an excuse for another tax cut for Bush's wealthy friends. Fifth, explain that you would never "disassemble" about the need for light, you are way too busy spreading freedom and democracy in the Middle East by eliminating freedom and democracy in the United States.
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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What do you call a chicken in the 1960's?

A funky chicken.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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What has four legs and goes "Oom, Oom"?

A cow walking backwards
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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