How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?

New Jersey got to pick first.
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What did the ceiling say to the chandelier?

You're the only bright spot in my life.
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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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