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How do you fix a broken vegetable?
With tomato paste.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?
Use a pen.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But the guitarist has to show him first.
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
You Poke her face.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?
To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?
Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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Whats the difference between a cat and a compound sentence?
One has claws at the end of its paws and one has a pause at the end of its clause
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What is Donald Trump "really" trying to do?
Make America Hate Again.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.
That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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There are 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those who read binary and those who don't.
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