How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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Three people were in a boat. They all fell off. Only two people ended up with wet hair. Why didn't the other person's hair get wet?

Because he was bald!
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Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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What do fish take to stay healthy?

Vitamin sea.
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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How many members of the United Church of Canada does it take to change a light bulb?

How dare you be so intolerant! So what if the light bulb has chosen an alternative light-style?
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Why did the melon jump into the lake?

It wanted to be a watermelon.
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That girl said she knew me from the vegitarian club,

but I'd never seen herbivore [her before]
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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