How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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What do you call the king of vegetables?

Elvis Parsley.
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What did one magnet say to the other?

I find you very attractive.

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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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How many French Horn players does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he/she will spend hours checking for technical problems.

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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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How do you make a band stand?

Take their chairs away!


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Why was the vacationing doctor so mad?

He had no patients.
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