How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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Went to the corner shop -

bought 4 corners.

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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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What do you call the king of vegetables?

Elvis Parsley.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What 7 letters did Lizzy say when she opened the refrigerator and found it empty?

O I C U R M T
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What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.
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