How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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What does GOP stand for?

Grabs Our Pussy.
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How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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How many Klingons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and take all the credit.
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The defendant is accused of putting dynamite into a steer.

Abominable! [A Bomb In a Bull]
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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