How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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What do you call a snowman in the desert?

A puddle!
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How do you make a fire with two sticks?

Make sure one is a match!
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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