How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.
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How many UFO buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. You don't believe me do you? I've got photos! See that big blob? Well, just squint your eyes a bit. . . .
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How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call Daddy, and one to get the (pick one:) mineral water/Tab.
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What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?

Holly Davidson.
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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