How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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Whats Donald Trump's favorite nation?

Discrimination.
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Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?

She was caught taking a brake.
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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
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Where do sheep get their hair cut?

At the baa-baa shop.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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