How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake
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Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends on what you want to change it into.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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