How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Why did the tree go to the dentist?

It needed a root canal.
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.
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How do you catch a unique bird?

Unique up on it.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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