How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer

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Where does a ten ton elephant sit?

Anywhere it wants to
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
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Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
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What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?

Stop! You're under a vest.
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