How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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What did one hair say to the other?

It takes two to tangle!
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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?

Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
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What is King Arthur's favorite fish?

A swordfish
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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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