How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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