How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.

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What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?

A woolen jumper

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How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.

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What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.

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Why is Superman's costume so tight?

Because he wears a size "S".
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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.

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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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Why did the singer climb a ladder?

She wanted to reach the high notes!

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