How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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Why did the man take a pencil to bed?

Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils.
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What kind of pants do ghosts wear?

Boo-Jeans.
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What is a cow's favorite place?

The mooseum.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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