How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There never was any light bulb.

Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?

Meat and Democrats!
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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