How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?

Meat and Democrats!
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Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?

Because it's pretty basic stuff.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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How many Bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb??

What's a light bulb?
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Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?

It saves time in the long run.

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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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