How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
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When can't you see a cheese?

When it's pasteurised...
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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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How do Eskimos make their beds?

With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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Why did the belt go to jail?

It held up a pair of pants.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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