How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What do you call a musician with a college degree?

Night manager at McDonalds

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Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball?

Because he had no BODY to go with.
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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