How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Why did the news reporter go to the ice cream parlor?

Because she wanted to get a good scoop.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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Why does Trump love the poorly educated?

Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

Lipstick.
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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