How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.
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How many supporters of George W. Bush does it take to change a light bulb?

None. First, denounce the nearest Democrats as liberal pantywaists who deliberately caused the bulb to blow. Second, announce that the Bush administration has proved that the science of electricity is faulty, so no action ever needs to be taken on global light change. Third, keep the need for a new light bulb strictly secret. Fourth, use the money for new light bulbs as an excuse for another tax cut for Bush's wealthy friends. Fifth, explain that you would never "disassemble" about the need for light, you are way too busy spreading freedom and democracy in the Middle East by eliminating freedom and democracy in the United States.
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What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

[De-Calf-Inated]
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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What did one egg say to the other egg?

Let's get crackin!
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What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

Bison
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What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.
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What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

A pair of Re-Bachs.

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