How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?

A woolen jumper
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

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