How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What has a bed that you can't sleep in?

A river.
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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips are moving.
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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo Drizzle!

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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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