How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Why do you think Civil Disobedience was such a fantastic essay?

Thoreau editing Thorough.
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Why did the boy have his girlfriend put in jail?

She stole his heart.
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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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