How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What did the laywer name his daughter?

Sue.
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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What are the 10 letters of the pirate alphabet?

Aye, Aye, Arr and the Seven C's
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What is worse then having one baby screaming?

Two babies screaming!
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