How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?

Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
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Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?

She ran away from the ball.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball?

Because he had no BODY to go with.
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