How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.

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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.

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Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Because he wasn't peeling well!

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What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog

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What do you get if Bach falls off a horse but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?

Bach in the saddle again.

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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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