How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb and three to whine "It's too high"

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How do Vikings send secret messages?

Norse code.
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How many polite New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Both of them.

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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."

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If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?

Silverware.

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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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