How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof

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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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