How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd?

From 2nd to 3rd because there's a shortstop in the middle.
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What does new age music sound like played backwards?

New age music.

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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three, but they're really only one.
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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.
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