How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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How do hair stylists speed up their job?

They take short cuts!
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What is the snake's favorite subject?

Hiss-story
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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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