How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Why did the singer climb a ladder?

She wanted to reach the high notes!

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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.
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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked.

'It's not unusual' he replied.

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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?

None; the Bible doesn't mention any light bulbs.
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