How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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What cell phones do travelling nuns use?

Virgin mobile.
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How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?

That depends on the speed of the change and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. It just might be easier to leave the bulb and change the room. It's all relative.
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What kind of pants do ghosts wear?

Boo-Jeans.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?

I don't know. There are some things even a blonde won't do.
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 ate 9.
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Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.
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