How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you mommy?
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I have a friend who is a Limo driver . But he has had no clients for two years.

So he has nothing to chauffeur it !
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What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?

Dead.
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Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A tattoo.

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How does a pig go to hospital?

In a hambulance.
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