How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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Where do sheep get their hair cut?

At the baa-baa shop.
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How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof

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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

It wanted to see the mooooooon!
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