How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?

He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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Where does an elephant pack his luggage?

In his trunk
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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