How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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What do Donald Trump and a baby have in common?

They both whine alot!
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
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Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

It wanted to see the mooooooon!
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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