How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel

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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.

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How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, provided there is a programmer around to explain how to do it.

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What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze

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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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