How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

A pair of Re-Bachs.

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What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.
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What do ghosts use to wash their hair?

Shamboo!
Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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