How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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How do you keep a skunk from smelling?

Plug its nose.
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How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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What kind of band can't play music?

A rubber band.
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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