How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.
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What room can you not go into?

A mushroom!
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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What is a cow's favorite place?

The mooseum.
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What do ghosts eat for supper?

Spooketi
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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What happened when the butcher backed up into his meat grinder?

he got a little behind in his work.
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