How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.
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What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

Bison
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?

Saliva
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?

Lilly.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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