How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.
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What do you call a rabbit with beetles all over it?

Bugs Bunny.
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What is the difference between a car and a bull?

A car only has one horn.
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Where do computers go to dance?

The disk-o!
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