How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.
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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.

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What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.

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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.
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How do Eskimos make their beds?

With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
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What is a tree's favorite drink?

Root beer.

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