How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.
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Why did the boy have his girlfriend put in jail?

She stole his heart.
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What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?

A Doberman.
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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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Why can't you say a joke while standing on ice?

Because it might crack up!
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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How many Klingons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and take all the credit.
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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