How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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Why don't honest people need beds?

They don't lie.
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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.
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Three people were in a boat. They all fell off. Only two people ended up with wet hair. Why didn't the other person's hair get wet?

Because he was bald!
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What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Sleep somewhere else.
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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