How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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What is "HIJKLMNO"?

H2O.
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!
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I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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