How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?

Pay him for the pizza

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What 7 letters did Lizzy say when she opened the refrigerator and found it empty?

O I C U R M T

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Why was the math book sad?

It had too many problems.
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Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

It wanted to see the mooooooon!

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What do you call a cold dog sitting on a bunny?

A chili dog on a bun.

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What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?

Lilly.

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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos

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