How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?

Pay him for the pizza

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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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What's the definition of a minor second?

Two flutes playing in unison.

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What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

From chasing parked ambulances.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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