How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?

Pay him for the pizza

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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'.

So I went - and I got it.
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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?

A woolen jumper
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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