How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?

Pay him for the pizza

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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen on the guest list.

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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!

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What is the difference between a fly and superman?

Superman can fly, but a fly cannot superman!
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What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom

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How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

Six: two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

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Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.

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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."

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