How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?

Pay him for the pizza

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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What kind of pants do ghosts wear?

Boo-Jeans.
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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken wasn't around yet.
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How many members of the United Church of Canada does it take to change a light bulb?

How dare you be so intolerant! So what if the light bulb has chosen an alternative light-style?
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.
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