How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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Why did the chicken cross the clothing store?

To get to the other size!
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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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What is Donald Trump "really" trying to do?

Make America Hate Again.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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