How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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PMS jokes are not funny...

[Period]
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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What message did Bach have on his answering machine?

"This phone is baroque, please call Bach later."

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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

Lipstick.
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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How does a pig go to hospital?

In a hambulance.
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What did rural America tell Donald Trump?

You're Hired.
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