How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly?

Hair Force One!
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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