How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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Why was the ant so confused?

Because all his uncles were "ants"!
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When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar!
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When are kids most likely to go to school?

When the door is open.
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What is black when clean, and white when dirty?

A blackboard.
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

Ice cream.
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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