How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

[De-Calf-Inated]
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What kind of underwear to reporters wear?

News briefs.
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What did one magnet say to the other?

I find you very attractive.
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Why did the computer squeak?

Someone stepped on its mouse.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What kind of band can't play music?

A rubber band.
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How do dinosaurs pay their bills?

With Tyrannosaurus checks.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A blushing zebra.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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