How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What did one tooth say to the other tooth?

The dentist is taking me out tonight.
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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?

A natural major.
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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