How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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I'm sorry we can't let the elephants back into the public pool.

They keep dropping their trunks.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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So the Pillsbury Doughboy's pants fell off and I..

feel really weird about donuts right now.
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