How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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What did the pencil say to the paper?

I dot my i's on you!
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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?

Many hands make light work.
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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