How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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What is only a small box but can weigh over a hundred pounds?

A scale.
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What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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