How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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What do you call the best butter on the farm?

A goat.
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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What kind of dessert does a ghost like?

I scream!
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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