How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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Why was the ant so confused?

Because all his uncles were "ants"!
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What has 4 wheels, gives milk, and eats grass.

A cow on a skateboard.
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How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but she/he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
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What bird can lift the most?

A crane.
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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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How do you make an egg laugh?

Tell it a yolk.
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What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.
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