How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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Where do sheep get their hair cut?

At the baa-baa shop.
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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Why are there fences around a graveyard?

Because people are dying to get in!
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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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