How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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What is a cow's favorite place?

The mooseum.
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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Why did the boy take a ladder to school?

He wanted to go to high school!
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Why are the middle ages sometimes called the Dark Ages?

Because they had so many knights.
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How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A tree in a golden forest.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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