How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.

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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?

A woolen jumper

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What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time!
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How do Eskimos make their beds?

With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
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How do you make a rock float?

Put it in a glass with some ice cream and root beer.
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