How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
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What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.
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Anyone know any jokes about sodium?

Na
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How do you catch a tame bird?

The tame way, unique up on it!
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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand
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How do you fix a broken Tuba.

With a tuba glue.
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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