How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

Ice cream.
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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Why did Mozart sell his chickens?

Because they kept saying "bach bach"!
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What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?

Holly Davidson.
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