How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?

10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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Why didn't the rooster cross the road?

Because it was chicken.
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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.
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What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

Ice cream.
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What message did Bach have on his answering machine?

"This phone is baroque, please call Bach later."

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What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

Ice cream.
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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