How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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What is a tree's favorite drink?

Root beer.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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Where do all the letters sleep?

In the alphabed.
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I’ve never gone to a gun range before.

I decided to give it a shot!
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What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

Glass flippers.
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