How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

A brick layer!
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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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Why did the computer squeak?

Someone stepped on its mouse.
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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