How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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How do you catch a tame bird?

The tame way, unique up on it!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
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How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?

Oh wow, is it, like, dark, man?
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What do Donald Trump and a baby have in common?

They both whine alot!
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
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