How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?

H2O cubed.
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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What do you call a song sung in an automobile?

A cartoon.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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What is a lion's favorite state?

Maine
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How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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