How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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How do you know when its Michael Jacksons bed time ?

When the big hand touches the little hand
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What is black when clean, and white when dirty?

A blackboard.
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How do crows stick together in a flock?

Velcrow.
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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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