How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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Who makes dinosaur clothes?

A dino-sewer.
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.


It's something I could really see myself doing.
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Why did the Blonde stare at the Orange Juice carton?

Because it said CONCENTRATE.
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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?

Hope it's Halloween!!
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