How do you handle dangerous cheese?

Caerphilly.
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Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?

Kitty Perry

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish

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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.

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Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?

Because it's pretty basic stuff.
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g

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What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?

He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it

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